Story 14 : Living on the verge coz i cant give a baby - Please Help.

Thanks for one of the reader who contributed. 

 

One day one of my friend opened up and told her story ......

 

In her words:

"When i got married, my parents gave good amount of dowry to in-laws and husband, they also bargained on a scooter and few more stuff in the last minute, My parents arranged for all that and finally marriage is over. I was working then (in India)and they were not very keen on my working, i was even ready to give up my job.

I was trying to get along with my mother-in-law, father-in-law and his sisters after marriage. In many occasions i could see they were not supportive at all. Before others they talking nicely and treat me well so other relatives think everything is fine and i would not know how to react.

I got pregnant, was then working in India - could not take care of myself well and was very weak whole time - in 6th month docters advised it is better to get aborted bcoz of medical concerns.  There was lot of pressure from in-laws and husband later for the baby and after that over 2 years my in-laws, husband did not let me visit my parents ....i could not go to my mothers place to visit even my father when he met with an accident. After few months i had severe stomach pain and had to go through medical examination, came to know that my tubes got infected during the abortion.

 

Now my husband does not know this and thinks it is only 1 tube that is not working, hoping that some day i can give him a baby - i was fearing if he knew both tubes were not working he would refuse to take me even to USA ( he was getting ready to leave to USA on work visa as software engineer). After coming to USA 2 more years passed, then also things did not change, husband was very unhappy that i am not able to give him a baby, we had quite bit of arguments on this issue.

 

What should i do? i am always at fear that my husband will leave me any time and scared to what if he wants to marry another woman bcoz i am not able to give him a baby? To go through any fertility programs and get some more medical support seem to be expensive for and to do that also i am financially dependent on my husband. I am okay even to adopt a kid and live happily with my husband inspite of issues with my in-laws but i fear to discuss with him the whole thing ...  please help me ....  "

Interview with Shah Peerally on Spousal Abuse.

Family Friend 101 is striving to bring smile in so many spouses and families all round the world. Thank you for all the readers and contributors. We believe that it is a good karma and we always get support for this.As a general extension to our effort, we are connecting some top lawyers and doctors in California to talk and write about the Family, Marriage Values and Ethical dilemmas in daily life.

Recently we met with Mr. Shah Peerally - top California's Immigration attorney - who has agreed to spend his valuable time with us. He shared some of the USA laws that can protect persons in spousal abuse and also different aspects of the marriage.

Hope this video is very informative and let the good karma prevail.



Mr.Shah Peerally can be contact at shah@peerallylaw.com.

Shah Peerally Law Group
37600 Central CT. Suite 201,
Newark CA 94560
Ph : (510) 742 5887

Story 12 : Why should i get punished for the things i can't control ?

I live in USA with my beautiful 2 year old girl and my husband. I work as a consultant in IT industry and my husband works as a full time employee. Till now, me, my husband are in good terms and i have no issues to bother.

Times have changed when i became pregnant few months back and i got to know its a baby girl. And my husband was like AGAIN ? My in-laws were furious on me. I don't know why ? I even offered them that i will get aborted if they don't like baby girl again. They don't let me choose to abort and they are not happy with the baby girl again.

I talked to my husband and he says he is not happy with the baby girl again and at the same time he poses infront of the people as though he is alright with it. All my friends say that your husband is so happy for the to-be-born baby girl. But, unfortunately i am not in a position to let my fear and frustration out to them. My husband and in-laws say that i am unlucky for them and not able to given them the "family heir". Am i the one supposed to be blamed for ? What can i do for a baby girl ?

I was supposed to go to India for few months before my pregnancy and now my husband says, "what's the need to go there". You only want to spend on your travel and on the baby girl. You can at least stay here and save those expenses. If you want, call your parents here and do a job.

Instead of feeling good about my pregnancy and 2 year old, i feel bad that i am a women now. I thought my husband is well educated and he would understand. But now i know that the education has nothing to with one's behavior and values. I feel terrible day-by-day and i want to let my frustration out some way or the other...

Story 8 : Should u listen to or not listen to ur in-laws and husband?

Hi this issue was mailed to me by one on my friends, who really is confused and needs some good suggestion…here is her story.

After a lot of thinking and suffering I finally decided to let out my frustration to get some good suggestions. I am in my early thirties now with my daughter. We moved to US couple of years ago. My husband is a professor and is with one of the universities here. We are married for 7 years now but when I look back and see I only get to see all the humiliation and suffering of these 7 years. Back in India my in-laws, husband’s brothers and sister used to live as a joint family and I was very happy to be a part of this big family. I used to be a very fun loving and active girl and was looking forward to have a good life ahead, but all my dreams were waiting to get shattered. After our marriage as a new bride in the house I was very jovial and used to get along with every one pretty well, I guess this was not tolerated by my sister-in-law. She was just opposite to me, a very clam and quite girl. As other new brides I also had the urge to look good all the time and used to take little care about my self, this was not tolerated by my mother-in-law.

In the first two, three months they started hinting me that I spend too much time in getting ready and I talk a lot. I used to think may be they are right and tried to change my behavior. One day I over herd my mother-in-law talking to my husband about me and I was totally shocked. She was actually complaining to my husband that I spend too much time in front of the mirror dressing up my self and spend the whole day talking to people and visiting neighbors. She went on complaining that I do not help her in any of the household work. I did not ask my husband about it and was waiting for him to ask me and clarify the matter, but to my surprise he did not do so. The next day when he came from office, the moment he saw me he started asking me in front of every one “for whom do you get dressed up so much every day”. I felt so bad when he said that and I wanted to ask him for whom else will I, but then I did not and decided I will completely change my routine. That day changed the way I led my life totally in a different way. I stopped taking care of my self and moved towards being more reserved and calm. I guess my mother-in-law had a problem with that too. She used to tell all the relatives in front of me that I have no interest in my self and I don’t even talk properly if any one comes home. Then I told my self that all my in-laws just want to find faults wit what ever I do and don’t do.

This being one side of the story, my husband started to blindly believe in what ever his mom and sister used to tell him. He started telling me that I come up with some or the other kind of explanation and cover up the whole issue. I started feeling frustrated then my first daughter changed my life in a totally different way. I was happy for some time seeing the innocent smiles and looks. After the delivery I did put on some weight and my in-laws used to make fun of me saying “if you start growing in this manner then you will not fit in our house doors”, for many days I used consider as a joke but it started to hurt me when the only topic to discuss was my weight and how un-interested I am to get down in front of each and every relative. My in-laws always used to crib about what ever I used to do with the baby. They had a problem if I made her wear a new dress and if I did not. At one point of life I felt I will go mad if I am objected and corrected and found fault with each and every thing I do.

During all this my husband used to always take my in-laws side and I started feeling alone in this big house. To my shock one day my in-laws directly told me that I don’t have the charm left in me and I look like a lump of fat that is always depressed and sad. I did not understand what to do, how to manage with these people. My husband started getting offers from few universities in US and finally he decided to move to US. This decision of his made my in-laws think that it was me who wanted to separate the son from his family and their grudge towards me increased ten times more. They did not want to understand that the decision was made by their own son. On the day we were leaving my in-laws did not even want to bless me in the airport. I thought they will calm down in some time.

Finally after coming to US, I was thinking may be I will have better chance to communicate with my husband but life over here is too miserable for me right now. My husband started comparing me and my daughter with few of his colleagues and their kids. Now a days he talks only about how other moms and kids are dressed. Behaving, talking in English, playing and how our daughter and I are. I don’t understand what is to done, back home no one encouraged her to talk in English how can she pick up English all of sudden? When I try to explain this to him he says I am trying to raise her like me, with no interest in life. He asks me to make new friends and have some get together, but my problem me I should know a family good enough to call them over for lunch or dinner right? If I try to tell him the same he says I want excuses to avoid people and I am not social enough.

I have no one to share these things with so I though this might be a good platform to get some suggestions please help

Story 7 : If only they had the power to define ones Luck/Fate/Talent

They are very established lawyers in India. They have a great practice and very well known in that city. Wife and Husband are family and criminal lawyer respectively. Husband has a younger brother and Wife has a younger sister. Incidentally, Wife's sister and Husband's brother both are (budding) Lawyers. Husband's-Brother and Wife's Sister live in the same city, both are married and are struggling for a helping hand in career.

Husband and Wife are very understanding, friendly and considerate. Wife for sure is more communicative than Husband and by nature she takes care of many things at home. Husband has agreed and decided to give a helping hand in his brother's career and asked them to stay along in the same house (of course, in a different independent floor). He was giving his expert opinion, attending some case discussions, and spent some personal time to spend for his brother. His brother did start as an independent law-practitioner and stayed that way for few years. There was no growth though they are still surviving. In the mean while, at home the differences between the Wife and co-sister have increased and small issues seemed to be big.

So, at some point of time, the Husband's brother decided to setup a separate family and practice. This means he will be moving to a separate place and start his own law practice. Some how, he could not be as successful as his brother till now. For all the other people (3rd person), it seemed as though the Wife ans Husband did not help this Husband's-Brother and let him lead his life along with disparity and discrimination.

On the other side, Wife's-Sister setup her own Law-Consulting firm and made the Wife and Husband as consulting partners. This Wife's-Sister has more social skills than the Husband's-Brother and she was able to kick start her career with the help of Wife and Husband. In few years, Wife's-Sister is probably as successful as the Wife and Husband. Currently, as i write, the Wife and Husband go regularly for some of the complicated family cases and advise clients in the Wife's-Sister's firm. The brother is still practicing his own, occasionally with the help of Husband (brother).

Sure, this is complicated. For the Husband's father this all looked as though the Wife did not took care of the Husband's brother and she has more interest in her own sister. In-laws started claiming that she (Wife) took more time, liberty, passion in building her sisters career and did not help in the same way to Husband's-Brother.

Now the question is, "What should one do when Wife's-Sistser is more sociable, communicative and does rights things for her career than Husband's-Brother. Whose mistake is that ?".

Story 6 : Why does my marriage life gets afftected, if i dont get a Job ?

Another Story goes here...

I am in my late twenties and have been married for almost 5 yrs now. My married life has been great with no big issues till now, but on the other side my professional life is really down. I was working as a junior software engineer before marriage, but had to leave my job after marriage as we were moving to US. After coming to US, I was trying to get the working Visa but had no luck for 4yrs, somehow I was able to get thru all the H1 process and now I have a valid Visa but the Job market is really bad out there for my skills.

We did have to shed few hundreds of dollars for my H1 visa for all the lawyers fees and processing, but finally got the Visa. We also have been postponing having a baby as we feel we have to be settled in life first to have a baby. Now all the problems are starting from all the sides in my family and I am really getting frustrated. The main concern being my In-Laws, all this while I was thinking they love me and think me a part of their family but I realized I was wrong. From last couple of months I have been noticing my in-laws always talking about the amount of money we spent for my visa and training, and asking my husband directly “what is she doing now?  Is she preparing for the interviews? Is she making use of all the effort u that went in getting the visa processing and training or is it all for no good use?”  I know and understand they must be concern but then I feel there should be limit to the number of times they ask. Every time we talk to them the first thing they ask is about the money spent. I am more frustrated to answer their question about our baby. They started telling my husband that I may have some gynecological problem that I am not conceiving. My husband on the other side is a mamma’s boy and started asking me the same which actually made me cry. My mother-in-law started to compare me to my sister-in-laws (who are not working but have children), saying when they are able to manage why cant I and why do I keep spending money without any income.

I am not able to understand what I am supposed to do. How do I explain to my husband that we are quite not ready for the baby and I am trying my level best to get into a job? My husband stopped talking to me as before. Now a days the moment he comes from office the first thing he asks me is if I had any calls and what did I read, then he goes to gym, talks to his parents and is back to work again. He hardly spends time at dinner table and goes to sleep. I feel so helpless and lost here. I am not able to talk to my parents openly as they are far off and will definitely get worried, nor am I able to talk to my in-laws as they are not ready to listen to my plight.

Story 4 : In-law does not understand the situation and so is Husband

Following question was asked by a dear friend...

I am a stay at home mom and have two kids with a gap of 2 yrs. I had C-Sections both the times. I did not gain much weight after my first delivery and was pretty active, healthy and was in perfect shape too. But things changed completely when my baby was 9 months. We realized that I was pregnant again and was both happy and confused about it. After a lot of thinking and analyzing we decided to go ahead with the baby. But it was not as I though it would be. I was surprised to see the reaction from all my in-laws, they were more like cant you guys wait for some time before the second baby. I thought things would change in the due course of time but I waited to see the worst. During the later part of my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with GD and was suggested some rest due to my Blood Pressure. It was becoming really difficult for me to take care of my daughter and my self and do all the cooking.

I was totally frustrated by the attitude of my in-laws towards me. They would always call up my husband and tell them stories of some xyz person in India who managed well with a similar situation like me, but they never were ready to understand my medical condition and the fact that I don’t have any one else to help me here. Listening to their words my husband’s attitude towards me was changing gradually. He started complaining and shouting at me that I should be more active and was putting on more weight than needed. This was too much for me to take in with the entire mood I was during the pregnancy. To add to all this my parents could not get a visa to help me here and we had to ask my in-laws to come over to help me. I was both happy and scared by this. I was happy to know that once they see my condition here they will understand what I am going through in a much better way and scared obviously as they are “IN-LAWS”.  As I expected life became all the more difficult with my in-laws being here. I was suggested bed rest by my gynecologist and my in-laws would think I was simply making up to sleep all day. They wanted to visit all the near by places before my delivery and would say once they baby was there they will not get any time to go out again. I used to get so irritated and frustrated by this attitude of theirs. I used to do all the cooking for them and still would get to here some or the other complaint from them, and that too directly to my husband soon after he is back from office.

By gods grace I had my baby boy as decided and it was again a c-section needless to say my second c-section with a short gap. And after my second delivery I did put on weight and was drained totally out of energy. In the mean time my sister-in-law was planning to visit us soon. My mother-in-law expects me to take good care of my sister-in-law and her two kids and I know she does not care if I get a sleep of only 2 hrs in a full day. If at all I used to lie down for some time when the baby slept then she would be all ready to fill my husbands ears that I was sleeping the whole day and she was tired of doing all the house work.

Now all my husbands’ side family are here and “THEY” are having a good time. No one is bothered to ask me how my health was doing, any ways I was not expecting them too ask either. My main problem now is I am not able to bear the comments from my sisters-in-law and in-laws. They may be suggesting me for my good health but for me it’s very embarrassing and frustrating. My in-laws kind of have a check on what ever I eat, drink and do. Even my husband started doing that in front of everybody. No one is ready to understand my mental status and physical strength. I am kind of getting exhausted by the end of the day with cooking and looking after my daughter and the baby. To add to all this my doctor suggested me to wait for four to six months before I start heavy exercises due to the two c-sections. I feel so helpless and frustrated that I want to leave every one and run away. I wanted to share my story with some one so that I can make my self little strong.

Some notes on the issue :

• As said in the previous posts (HR1 and HR2), it is indeed a very very sad part that many don't learn from their past experiences. Every person goes through similar (if not the same) phases in life and they all forget the golden rule "Do not do to others what you would not like to be done to you".
• It is very difficult to say what happens with many (as everyone has an Unique situation), but it always helps to have an "OPEN" communication with In-laws and Spouse. Sometimes, unconsciously and unknowingly, we skip some conversations, which will lead to misunderstandings.
• As it is always the case that the older generation tend to have a basic or straight communication. This means their way of speaking seems to be bit rough and on the face. But, in many cases they don't really mean it. It's just the way of they talk.  Again, many women are able to take it positively when her own Mother says something but if the same sentence is uttered by Mother-in-law, they get angry on them. 
• Mother-in-law != Mother (for Husband and/or Wife); However, please be considerate.
• Some sister-in-laws may want to impose same (similar) restrictions that they had. This is rather very unfortunate and the only way out is to educate and forgive these "poor souls". Another reason for the weird behavior is the "power game" (they may not have enough love or power at their own home. So, they want to show the power where they can). 
• This situation is similar to the ragging in colleges. A junior knows what it takes to undergo the ragging. He knows how much he cried on the night when the seniors slapped him all the while. But, the inexplicable human brain repeats the same mistake. When he becomes senior, he would want to take the same sadistic pleasure that his seniors had from him. Of course, there are some nice seniors who would understand what they went through and STOP being sadistic.
• The main person who should understand the situation is "Husband/Head of the Family". In the above situation, many (wifes) would not care if there is some sort of support from Husband. But if he does not understand then there is a real problem. It's the time to educate him. e.g. explaining him that, "India has a huge family support system", "in USA we need to do everything without help", "no maid servents in USA", etc.. Yes, even though all these are very basic and need to be understood, sometimes you need to explain a lot in detail for some people.
• There is only one Mantra ... "Communicate", "Communicate", "Communicate".

Story 2 : Husband and In-laws treat unfairly.

This couple is married for last 12 years and have 2 kids. Both kids are going to schools and they do very good in academics. Husband his own Academic Business and is doing great! Husband (and of course wife) lives with the parents and till now they were taken as examples for "Good Combined Familes". Wife takes care of the in-laws very nicely.

Father-in-law after retirement goes to the same college as a professor and is a very famous professor. Mother-in-law has some slight memory problem and she need to be partially watched by the daughter-in-law/wife. The wife wakes up in the morning 5.00am, does all the house hold work, makes breakfast for the father-in-law and husband so that they leave home by 7.30am. 

Recently maternal uncle of the Husband visited them for 2 days. This is the first time that these husband's side "uncle and aunt" where with them and all the previous instances that they met were in functions. During one evening, the Wife calls both the Aunt and Uncle to their backyard when no one is there and cries for her life time. This Aunt and Uncle were shocked and asked what the problem was.She then reveals the problems she was facing right from the day she was married. 

• Husband tortures her verbally - a lot.
• Husband does not treat her as a wife at all. 
• Husband goes on trips and does never speak to her over the phone. But he definitely calls his parents and talk to them.
• Whatever his parents say, thats the final work for him. Not that it is bad, but sometime people would like to have some independency. 
• For rest of the relatives and friends Husband is a great guy. But he feels that she is not the right match for him. It was definitely an arranged marriage for them and at that time, he liked her too.
• He asks few questions which no women would like to hear. like...
• Did you have affair before marriage ?
• Did you have %$^(* before marriage ?
• Do you think you are beautiful ?
• The in-law treats her like a mere maid servant. 
• There was no time that they all eat together. She always HAS to eat after everyone is done eating. 
• Wife has no freedom to even ask that we will go to a move or some picnic.
• The father-in-law scolds her all small and big things and thinks she (daughter-in-law) is a small school girl.
• In-laws behave nice with the kids but not with her. Whatever she does is wrong.
• ...and others...

After listening to many more things that the Wife explained to Aunt and Uncle, they both were shocked. They never felt that the father-in-law and Husband could be so rude daughter-in-law/wife.The Aunt explains the daughter-in-laws cry as "It made me feel dead". 

The next thing they did was to wait till the next morning and called the Husband privately. The Aunt and Uncle took the lead to explain him the situation and inquired him what his intentions were. For all that we know, he just laughs for everything and there was no real reaction. However, the Aunt and Uncle tell him that this kind of treatment is not appreciated and it will be bad for their family to treat her in that way. They tried to explain what she is undergoing with the in-laws treatment too and requested him to treat her fairly.

For now, we all hope that things are going fine and perhaps a little better for now. But there are couple of points that we need to see.

• Just because people are smiling and jovial does not mean they they are Happy. There could be a lot of devastation that we dont see in their eyes. 
• People are playing different roles (Father, Father-in-law, Husband, Uncle, teacher, etc...). Just because we know one person who is very good as a "Father" does not warrant that he is a good "Father-in-law" too. Of course inversely, if one is a good "Daughter" she may not become a good "Daughter-in-law".Before you judge, you need to consider different roles people are in.
• There is so much of pain, frustration and devastation in this women that as soon as she sees SOME relative of Husband, she breaks up. And that too, imagine explaining all your problems to someone you are meeting for 3rd or 4th time and crying for hours and hours in front of them. Can someone imagine the sleepless nights and mental agitation she underwent.
• The role of parents is not only to Guide their kids (Husband) but also in letting them live independently. After sometime,  parents should be in the passenger seat, and let the Husband/Wife (Son/Daughter-in-law) drive. Otherwise, elders should drive their own car. 

Suggestions : 

• Again, the most important thing is that she is missing lot of social network (not the Internet thingy). In this situation, it is very easy to get lost in the problem and not care about the importance of the friends and neighbors. They cant solve your problems, but they will help you walk through it. 
• Depending on the situation, it is necessary to talk to ones own parents. After all, parents are the biggest support system in these situations. It is true that the parents will definitely feel bad about such marriage. On the other hand, keeping problems to ones self, will explode sometime or the other and we don't want a bigger loss that time. 
• When people don't understand the value of fair treatment, there is no harm in talking to all related persons about the way you feel. You are not asking for someone to change, but are letting out your frustrations. Remember, you are not trying to come out of the relationship.You want to strengthen relationship by being open. Living together with differences is always difficult than separating for a simple issue.

We would like to hear your suggestions too.

Story 1 : You should live independently and pay your bills.

A friend (Wife) got married to a greencard holder (Husband) in US. She got greencard after 2 years of her stay in US. All the while the husband (in US for 8 years) has been giving her all the hints that she MUST work and she should start living independently. Of course, the wife has no idea of what it means when husband says, "live independently". Once she got the greencard she worked in a testing job for an year or so. She became pregnant and then all (or more) the troubles started. He expects her to do all the usual work and other extra work.

Once she had her first baby, he insisted that the baby should be brought up with his grand parents (wife's parents) in India. He left the  6 month old baby along with the grand parents. Now, the other problem started. The wife has to start searching for the jobs. Unfortunately, she is on the QA/Testing line of software industry and it became very difficult to get jobs in this economy. Of course she has tried and still trying to get job and she is trying from past 14 months.

Each day seems to be a terrible day because he accuses her of "mediocre" and "less intellectual" and "dumb". Wife is well educated but mild (very mild). She cares about her parents, in-laws and husband too. However, husband has totally changed his Indian thinking to US thinking and says very funny things. Any small mistake will be not be tolerated and he would SAY something or the other. In front of her friends he is a "great guy", "friendly guy", "person with great values", etc... but for her, he is a Terror. 

Following are some of his expectations...

• Just by getting married, don't expect that i will do everything for you. You should learn to live.
• US is a very different country and should learn everything. It's not like what happens in your city.
• You should take up a job and earn for your self. You should be able to pay your own bills, at least. 
• During her Pregnancy - Why don't you call my friends home for lunch or dinner. You are always dull and lying on bed.
• During her Pregnancy - Why are you all the time dull. Some of my other colleagues in office (and who is pregnant) are so bubbly and enthusiastic.
• During some specific days when she has women problems - He says, why do you act as though you are the only women in this world. 
• I don't want to you to go out of home and i will never ask for that. I am only asking you to live independently.

She does not have the freedom of calling her parents. He tracks all her calls (of course, they have a family plan) and says why do you call and talk so long with your parents and sisters. Most days she thinks that there should be a "better tomorrow" and she should be able to "sleep better". She definitely cant say everything to her parents at the same time she can't keep it for herself. 

Some Suggestions : 

• She should attempt to educate husband on the several physical and psychological changes that women undergo. 
• It is definitely worth while to talk about "How she would like him to be". Without open communication, things seem to be have taken for granted. 
• There will definitely be some embarrassing moments and hot discussions. But she should start talking about the inconvenience and humiliation she is undergoing with husband. Sometimes, husband is ignorant of few things. Though this is a rare possibility, we can't rule it out. 
• She should increase her network of friends in US and India. While friends many not solve problems, they will definitely give you confidence. (Note : We definitely want friends who gives a better direction to us. And not the ones would suggest to break the relationship.)

We would like to hear your views and suggestions too.