Story 12 : Why should i get punished for the things i can't control ?

I live in USA with my beautiful 2 year old girl and my husband. I work as a consultant in IT industry and my husband works as a full time employee. Till now, me, my husband are in good terms and i have no issues to bother.

Times have changed when i became pregnant few months back and i got to know its a baby girl. And my husband was like AGAIN ? My in-laws were furious on me. I don't know why ? I even offered them that i will get aborted if they don't like baby girl again. They don't let me choose to abort and they are not happy with the baby girl again.

I talked to my husband and he says he is not happy with the baby girl again and at the same time he poses infront of the people as though he is alright with it. All my friends say that your husband is so happy for the to-be-born baby girl. But, unfortunately i am not in a position to let my fear and frustration out to them. My husband and in-laws say that i am unlucky for them and not able to given them the "family heir". Am i the one supposed to be blamed for ? What can i do for a baby girl ?

I was supposed to go to India for few months before my pregnancy and now my husband says, "what's the need to go there". You only want to spend on your travel and on the baby girl. You can at least stay here and save those expenses. If you want, call your parents here and do a job.

Instead of feeling good about my pregnancy and 2 year old, i feel bad that i am a women now. I thought my husband is well educated and he would understand. But now i know that the education has nothing to with one's behavior and values. I feel terrible day-by-day and i want to let my frustration out some way or the other...

Story 10 : What if you have an in-law who would not understand you ?

Humanity is to understand others and help in the right time. What i learned all the while is that the Humanity can only be Hoped and never can be Demanded. I am married for past 7 years and settled in California, USA. I have a daughter and son and i am a house wife by choice. I do not have any qualms about my husband but my mother-in-law makes my life pathetic. We have our daughter and son in a gap of 1 year and it is very very difficult to bring them up as they are half time with cold, fever and both needs the attention at the same time. My husband is a career oriented person and gave me the responsibility to raise kids. Well, i never have any issues at it.

In the past my mother-in-law had come here 3 times and stayed with us for 4 months in each visit. She has undergone the bypass surgery 10 years back and i understand that i have a responsibility to take care of my in-law. The first time when she came to USA to stay with us, i was very enthusiastically doing everything for her. I used to wake up in the morning 5.00am to do breakfast and i used to cook lunch too by 7.00am. My in-law likes to have everything ready as soon as she comes to the kitchen. She is not a kind of person who would help me in cooking too. She likes being taken care a LOT and PAMPERED to the greatest extent. I did everything she wanted during the first visit. I never complained and i always had thought that it is my basic responsibility. She somehow did not like me talking to my parents and brother and whenever i am on phone she used to call me for something or the other. For this too, i never complained as it is only few months she would stay. 

When I had my first daughter, i had to undergo C-Section and i was very positive that my in-law (she was here that time) would understand and help me a lot. But the things became painful this time. She expected me to take care of her in the same way i used to before. As i used to feed the baby all through the night, i used to sleep till 7.00am in the morning and that was not welcomed. My in-law says, "You don't need that rest. I had 4 kids and i never slept till 7.00am". The initial 2 weeks was kind of hell for me as i could not even walk properly due to stitches but she expects everything from me. She even used to tell my husband that, "I don't know whats happening to this age's women. They are turning too delicate. I never took as much rest as your wife". Certainly, my husband is in mid-way between me and his mother. 

# You don't cook many varieties. Your cooking is too bland. You don't cook nice. 

# My son works so hard. You are just at home and get tired by the end of day. I don't know whats happening to you.

# Cant you make at least 3 varieties for lunch. Is this what your mom taught you ?

# Now a days you are not taking care of me. Just because, i am not saying anything does not mean that you take advantage of me.

# I have taught all (english) letters to my kids by 2 years. You did not teach any thing. What are you doing the whole day.

# Can you come and massage me for 30 minutes (when i myself is having a high fever)

# You should do all things on auspicious days only. Don't you know about this ? But the reality is all the major decisions are taken by my husband and he does not listen to me. So, she rebukes me for my husbands action. (She is not ready to listen to me when i say, i did not take a decision or i was never asked.)

# She sees me that i am struggling with both the kids. For me the challenge is to take care of both the kids at the same time and giving attention. Both are mostly sick due to ear infections, fever, cold or influenzas. But for my in-law, this looks as though i am taking lot of rest and leisure. 

# In-law goes cranky at me that i am not feeding my kids properly and thats the reason kids are lean and sick. Come on, i am a mother and i am the one who is awake all the night when they are sick and am the one who cries. For sure, as a grand mother she will have interest. But excuse me, only after me.

# After going to India, she calls my husband and tells him that i don't care about her and i am not feeding my kids properly. She suggest him that i should do more variety food for my kids so that will eat. 

About are ONLY some of the things my in-law talks about. I would request, please and appeal to all in-laws not to do this to their daughter in-law. A in-law is also a daughter and daughter-in-law, please understand that. In the matter of past 3 years after kids, we never took even a single vacation. The idea is i am not trying to say that i did a great thing, but with this kind of attitude from in-law, you would loose interest in serving them and caring them. Now, i have a "careless" feeling and now i don't care whatever she thinks and whatever she does. I just see her as a old women whom i am serving with humanity. I do not have any love and i don't care what she does. I have taken this for 5 years and this is enough for me. 

Do you think i could have done better ? 

Story 2 : Husband and In-laws treat unfairly.

This couple is married for last 12 years and have 2 kids. Both kids are going to schools and they do very good in academics. Husband his own Academic Business and is doing great! Husband (and of course wife) lives with the parents and till now they were taken as examples for "Good Combined Familes". Wife takes care of the in-laws very nicely.

Father-in-law after retirement goes to the same college as a professor and is a very famous professor. Mother-in-law has some slight memory problem and she need to be partially watched by the daughter-in-law/wife. The wife wakes up in the morning 5.00am, does all the house hold work, makes breakfast for the father-in-law and husband so that they leave home by 7.30am. 

Recently maternal uncle of the Husband visited them for 2 days. This is the first time that these husband's side "uncle and aunt" where with them and all the previous instances that they met were in functions. During one evening, the Wife calls both the Aunt and Uncle to their backyard when no one is there and cries for her life time. This Aunt and Uncle were shocked and asked what the problem was.She then reveals the problems she was facing right from the day she was married. 

• Husband tortures her verbally - a lot.
• Husband does not treat her as a wife at all. 
• Husband goes on trips and does never speak to her over the phone. But he definitely calls his parents and talk to them.
• Whatever his parents say, thats the final work for him. Not that it is bad, but sometime people would like to have some independency. 
• For rest of the relatives and friends Husband is a great guy. But he feels that she is not the right match for him. It was definitely an arranged marriage for them and at that time, he liked her too.
• He asks few questions which no women would like to hear. like...
• Did you have affair before marriage ?
• Did you have %$^(* before marriage ?
• Do you think you are beautiful ?
• The in-law treats her like a mere maid servant. 
• There was no time that they all eat together. She always HAS to eat after everyone is done eating. 
• Wife has no freedom to even ask that we will go to a move or some picnic.
• The father-in-law scolds her all small and big things and thinks she (daughter-in-law) is a small school girl.
• In-laws behave nice with the kids but not with her. Whatever she does is wrong.
• ...and others...

After listening to many more things that the Wife explained to Aunt and Uncle, they both were shocked. They never felt that the father-in-law and Husband could be so rude daughter-in-law/wife.The Aunt explains the daughter-in-laws cry as "It made me feel dead". 

The next thing they did was to wait till the next morning and called the Husband privately. The Aunt and Uncle took the lead to explain him the situation and inquired him what his intentions were. For all that we know, he just laughs for everything and there was no real reaction. However, the Aunt and Uncle tell him that this kind of treatment is not appreciated and it will be bad for their family to treat her in that way. They tried to explain what she is undergoing with the in-laws treatment too and requested him to treat her fairly.

For now, we all hope that things are going fine and perhaps a little better for now. But there are couple of points that we need to see.

• Just because people are smiling and jovial does not mean they they are Happy. There could be a lot of devastation that we dont see in their eyes. 
• People are playing different roles (Father, Father-in-law, Husband, Uncle, teacher, etc...). Just because we know one person who is very good as a "Father" does not warrant that he is a good "Father-in-law" too. Of course inversely, if one is a good "Daughter" she may not become a good "Daughter-in-law".Before you judge, you need to consider different roles people are in.
• There is so much of pain, frustration and devastation in this women that as soon as she sees SOME relative of Husband, she breaks up. And that too, imagine explaining all your problems to someone you are meeting for 3rd or 4th time and crying for hours and hours in front of them. Can someone imagine the sleepless nights and mental agitation she underwent.
• The role of parents is not only to Guide their kids (Husband) but also in letting them live independently. After sometime,  parents should be in the passenger seat, and let the Husband/Wife (Son/Daughter-in-law) drive. Otherwise, elders should drive their own car. 

Suggestions : 

• Again, the most important thing is that she is missing lot of social network (not the Internet thingy). In this situation, it is very easy to get lost in the problem and not care about the importance of the friends and neighbors. They cant solve your problems, but they will help you walk through it. 
• Depending on the situation, it is necessary to talk to ones own parents. After all, parents are the biggest support system in these situations. It is true that the parents will definitely feel bad about such marriage. On the other hand, keeping problems to ones self, will explode sometime or the other and we don't want a bigger loss that time. 
• When people don't understand the value of fair treatment, there is no harm in talking to all related persons about the way you feel. You are not asking for someone to change, but are letting out your frustrations. Remember, you are not trying to come out of the relationship.You want to strengthen relationship by being open. Living together with differences is always difficult than separating for a simple issue.

We would like to hear your suggestions too.

Story 1 : You should live independently and pay your bills.

A friend (Wife) got married to a greencard holder (Husband) in US. She got greencard after 2 years of her stay in US. All the while the husband (in US for 8 years) has been giving her all the hints that she MUST work and she should start living independently. Of course, the wife has no idea of what it means when husband says, "live independently". Once she got the greencard she worked in a testing job for an year or so. She became pregnant and then all (or more) the troubles started. He expects her to do all the usual work and other extra work.

Once she had her first baby, he insisted that the baby should be brought up with his grand parents (wife's parents) in India. He left the  6 month old baby along with the grand parents. Now, the other problem started. The wife has to start searching for the jobs. Unfortunately, she is on the QA/Testing line of software industry and it became very difficult to get jobs in this economy. Of course she has tried and still trying to get job and she is trying from past 14 months.

Each day seems to be a terrible day because he accuses her of "mediocre" and "less intellectual" and "dumb". Wife is well educated but mild (very mild). She cares about her parents, in-laws and husband too. However, husband has totally changed his Indian thinking to US thinking and says very funny things. Any small mistake will be not be tolerated and he would SAY something or the other. In front of her friends he is a "great guy", "friendly guy", "person with great values", etc... but for her, he is a Terror. 

Following are some of his expectations...

• Just by getting married, don't expect that i will do everything for you. You should learn to live.
• US is a very different country and should learn everything. It's not like what happens in your city.
• You should take up a job and earn for your self. You should be able to pay your own bills, at least. 
• During her Pregnancy - Why don't you call my friends home for lunch or dinner. You are always dull and lying on bed.
• During her Pregnancy - Why are you all the time dull. Some of my other colleagues in office (and who is pregnant) are so bubbly and enthusiastic.
• During some specific days when she has women problems - He says, why do you act as though you are the only women in this world. 
• I don't want to you to go out of home and i will never ask for that. I am only asking you to live independently.

She does not have the freedom of calling her parents. He tracks all her calls (of course, they have a family plan) and says why do you call and talk so long with your parents and sisters. Most days she thinks that there should be a "better tomorrow" and she should be able to "sleep better". She definitely cant say everything to her parents at the same time she can't keep it for herself. 

Some Suggestions : 

• She should attempt to educate husband on the several physical and psychological changes that women undergo. 
• It is definitely worth while to talk about "How she would like him to be". Without open communication, things seem to be have taken for granted. 
• There will definitely be some embarrassing moments and hot discussions. But she should start talking about the inconvenience and humiliation she is undergoing with husband. Sometimes, husband is ignorant of few things. Though this is a rare possibility, we can't rule it out. 
• She should increase her network of friends in US and India. While friends many not solve problems, they will definitely give you confidence. (Note : We definitely want friends who gives a better direction to us. And not the ones would suggest to break the relationship.)

We would like to hear your views and suggestions too.