Story 13 : How can I choose between Parents and Wife ?

Ours is a very traditional south Indian family. I am a doctor and eldest son in my family. My second brother is in US and married. I got married 4 years back with a girl from middle class family. We are probably affluent in our community and it was also a traditional arranged marriage. We were very happy for the initial 2 years and we used to live along with my parents - this was by choice rather than my wife's compulsion.

I used to take my wife to at least 2 times in a year for vacation and my parents used to stay home. They always asked us to go for vacation and spend time for our selves. After 2 years, we planned for kids and my wife was with us till her "Baby Shower" in 7th month. After that i dropped her at her mother's home and i was eagerly waiting for the future baby.

In the 9th month of my wife's pregnancy she called me one day and said, "I am not going to come home. If you want to see the baby come to my home (her mother's)". I was completely shocked and did not have a clue what's happening. I asked her repeatedly what happens and if there are any problems. Once the baby is born, she told very strictly that my parents should not see the baby and if they come by chance, she will commit suicide. With this threaten, my parents also did not feel like coming and rather wishing that things should be fine.

Even after 3 months of the baby, my wife is still at her mom's home and she told me that she will NEVER ever want to stay with my parents. I have also talked to my parents to see if they were aware of any incidents that would stir my wife up. Knowing my parents, i can totally understand that they will never harass my wife and they always treated nicely. I asked the same questions to my wife and she does not let any thing out. She old says she does not want to live with my parents and her parents also support her without giving reasons.

By now, my son's 1st birthday is also over and my wife is still with her parents ans urging me to come back to her city. I have a decent position as a doctor in a corporate hospital and recently i got a promotion. At this stage, its extremely difficult for me to find another job in that city. I told her repeatedly that i will talk to my parents and change them if at all they did something. She never replies to me on that. Also, i told her that we would start a separate family and parents would live separately. She would not agree to that too. I am exhausted now and i should probably move to my wife's place. I am pretty confused if i should stay with my parents who are very old or should go to my wife and kid.

Story 1 : You should live independently and pay your bills.

A friend (Wife) got married to a greencard holder (Husband) in US. She got greencard after 2 years of her stay in US. All the while the husband (in US for 8 years) has been giving her all the hints that she MUST work and she should start living independently. Of course, the wife has no idea of what it means when husband says, "live independently". Once she got the greencard she worked in a testing job for an year or so. She became pregnant and then all (or more) the troubles started. He expects her to do all the usual work and other extra work.

Once she had her first baby, he insisted that the baby should be brought up with his grand parents (wife's parents) in India. He left the  6 month old baby along with the grand parents. Now, the other problem started. The wife has to start searching for the jobs. Unfortunately, she is on the QA/Testing line of software industry and it became very difficult to get jobs in this economy. Of course she has tried and still trying to get job and she is trying from past 14 months.

Each day seems to be a terrible day because he accuses her of "mediocre" and "less intellectual" and "dumb". Wife is well educated but mild (very mild). She cares about her parents, in-laws and husband too. However, husband has totally changed his Indian thinking to US thinking and says very funny things. Any small mistake will be not be tolerated and he would SAY something or the other. In front of her friends he is a "great guy", "friendly guy", "person with great values", etc... but for her, he is a Terror. 

Following are some of his expectations...

• Just by getting married, don't expect that i will do everything for you. You should learn to live.
• US is a very different country and should learn everything. It's not like what happens in your city.
• You should take up a job and earn for your self. You should be able to pay your own bills, at least. 
• During her Pregnancy - Why don't you call my friends home for lunch or dinner. You are always dull and lying on bed.
• During her Pregnancy - Why are you all the time dull. Some of my other colleagues in office (and who is pregnant) are so bubbly and enthusiastic.
• During some specific days when she has women problems - He says, why do you act as though you are the only women in this world. 
• I don't want to you to go out of home and i will never ask for that. I am only asking you to live independently.

She does not have the freedom of calling her parents. He tracks all her calls (of course, they have a family plan) and says why do you call and talk so long with your parents and sisters. Most days she thinks that there should be a "better tomorrow" and she should be able to "sleep better". She definitely cant say everything to her parents at the same time she can't keep it for herself. 

Some Suggestions : 

• She should attempt to educate husband on the several physical and psychological changes that women undergo. 
• It is definitely worth while to talk about "How she would like him to be". Without open communication, things seem to be have taken for granted. 
• There will definitely be some embarrassing moments and hot discussions. But she should start talking about the inconvenience and humiliation she is undergoing with husband. Sometimes, husband is ignorant of few things. Though this is a rare possibility, we can't rule it out. 
• She should increase her network of friends in US and India. While friends many not solve problems, they will definitely give you confidence. (Note : We definitely want friends who gives a better direction to us. And not the ones would suggest to break the relationship.)

We would like to hear your views and suggestions too.