Sunday, February 28, 2010

Story 8 : Should u listen to or not listen to ur in-laws and husband?

Hi this issue was mailed to me by one on my friends, who really is confused and needs some good suggestion…here is her story.

After a lot of thinking and suffering I finally decided to let out my frustration to get some good suggestions. I am in my early thirties now with my daughter. We moved to US couple of years ago. My husband is a professor and is with one of the universities here. We are married for 7 years now but when I look back and see I only get to see all the humiliation and suffering of these 7 years. Back in India my in-laws, husband’s brothers and sister used to live as a joint family and I was very happy to be a part of this big family. I used to be a very fun loving and active girl and was looking forward to have a good life ahead, but all my dreams were waiting to get shattered. After our marriage as a new bride in the house I was very jovial and used to get along with every one pretty well, I guess this was not tolerated by my sister-in-law. She was just opposite to me, a very clam and quite girl. As other new brides I also had the urge to look good all the time and used to take little care about my self, this was not tolerated by my mother-in-law.

In the first two, three months they started hinting me that I spend too much time in getting ready and I talk a lot. I used to think may be they are right and tried to change my behavior. One day I over herd my mother-in-law talking to my husband about me and I was totally shocked. She was actually complaining to my husband that I spend too much time in front of the mirror dressing up my self and spend the whole day talking to people and visiting neighbors. She went on complaining that I do not help her in any of the household work. I did not ask my husband about it and was waiting for him to ask me and clarify the matter, but to my surprise he did not do so. The next day when he came from office, the moment he saw me he started asking me in front of every one “for whom do you get dressed up so much every day”. I felt so bad when he said that and I wanted to ask him for whom else will I, but then I did not and decided I will completely change my routine. That day changed the way I led my life totally in a different way. I stopped taking care of my self and moved towards being more reserved and calm. I guess my mother-in-law had a problem with that too. She used to tell all the relatives in front of me that I have no interest in my self and I don’t even talk properly if any one comes home. Then I told my self that all my in-laws just want to find faults wit what ever I do and don’t do.

This being one side of the story, my husband started to blindly believe in what ever his mom and sister used to tell him. He started telling me that I come up with some or the other kind of explanation and cover up the whole issue. I started feeling frustrated then my first daughter changed my life in a totally different way. I was happy for some time seeing the innocent smiles and looks. After the delivery I did put on some weight and my in-laws used to make fun of me saying “if you start growing in this manner then you will not fit in our house doors”, for many days I used consider as a joke but it started to hurt me when the only topic to discuss was my weight and how un-interested I am to get down in front of each and every relative. My in-laws always used to crib about what ever I used to do with the baby. They had a problem if I made her wear a new dress and if I did not. At one point of life I felt I will go mad if I am objected and corrected and found fault with each and every thing I do.

During all this my husband used to always take my in-laws side and I started feeling alone in this big house. To my shock one day my in-laws directly told me that I don’t have the charm left in me and I look like a lump of fat that is always depressed and sad. I did not understand what to do, how to manage with these people. My husband started getting offers from few universities in US and finally he decided to move to US. This decision of his made my in-laws think that it was me who wanted to separate the son from his family and their grudge towards me increased ten times more. They did not want to understand that the decision was made by their own son. On the day we were leaving my in-laws did not even want to bless me in the airport. I thought they will calm down in some time.

Finally after coming to US, I was thinking may be I will have better chance to communicate with my husband but life over here is too miserable for me right now. My husband started comparing me and my daughter with few of his colleagues and their kids. Now a days he talks only about how other moms and kids are dressed. Behaving, talking in English, playing and how our daughter and I are. I don’t understand what is to done, back home no one encouraged her to talk in English how can she pick up English all of sudden? When I try to explain this to him he says I am trying to raise her like me, with no interest in life. He asks me to make new friends and have some get together, but my problem me I should know a family good enough to call them over for lunch or dinner right? If I try to tell him the same he says I want excuses to avoid people and I am not social enough.

I have no one to share these things with so I though this might be a good platform to get some suggestions please help


  1. You have a good reason to lead a beautiful life - your daughter. She should be your inspiration and you her role model. True nothing can be changed in a day but you can take your daughter outside for walk or to parks so she can make friends and you too.

    All that glitters is not gold ... your husbands colleagues and their kids might dress well and talk well who knows what else is going on in their life. Every one has their own issues ... we just have to deal with them instead of comparing us with other's all the time. Just build your confidence and every thing will set on its own.

  2. First of all, think that you are the most beautiful creation of God. Have confidence in yourself, and live life to the fullest. Ask your husband to invite his colleague and his family over for dinner. Make good food for them, dress smartly, talk confidently. And tell the guests that you are new in US and trying to learn new culture and language. It takes time to get used to in a new Country, total new environment.
    Americans always appreciate the truth. I have a long experience of being with them, I know whenever you tell them truth, they appreciate more. Also, Americans appreciate us for knowing more than 1 language. At least you can speak, hindi and english. Americans know only english. Learn to be proud of yourself. Send your daughter to play school/ school. she will pick up english very fast. watch english movies with her. they help a lot. Lastly believe in yourself and try, try try... You will succeed!!