Saturday, February 6, 2010

Story 1 : You should live independently and pay your bills.

A friend (Wife) got married to a greencard holder (Husband) in US. She got greencard after 2 years of her stay in US. All the while the husband (in US for 8 years) has been giving her all the hints that she MUST work and she should start living independently. Of course, the wife has no idea of what it means when husband says, "live independently". Once she got the greencard she worked in a testing job for an year or so. She became pregnant and then all (or more) the troubles started. He expects her to do all the usual work and other extra work.

Once she had her first baby, he insisted that the baby should be brought up with his grand parents (wife's parents) in India. He left the  6 month old baby along with the grand parents. Now, the other problem started. The wife has to start searching for the jobs. Unfortunately, she is on the QA/Testing line of software industry and it became very difficult to get jobs in this economy. Of course she has tried and still trying to get job and she is trying from past 14 months.

Each day seems to be a terrible day because he accuses her of "mediocre" and "less intellectual" and "dumb". Wife is well educated but mild (very mild). She cares about her parents, in-laws and husband too. However, husband has totally changed his Indian thinking to US thinking and says very funny things. Any small mistake will be not be tolerated and he would SAY something or the other. In front of her friends he is a "great guy", "friendly guy", "person with great values", etc... but for her, he is a Terror. 

Following are some of his expectations...
  • Just by getting married, don't expect that i will do everything for you. You should learn to live.
  • US is a very different country and should learn everything. It's not like what happens in your city.
  • You should take up a job and earn for your self. You should be able to pay your own bills, at least. 
  • During her Pregnancy - Why don't you call my friends home for lunch or dinner. You are always dull and lying on bed.
  • During her Pregnancy - Why are you all the time dull. Some of my other colleagues in office (and who is pregnant) are so bubbly and enthusiastic.
  • During some specific days when she has women problems - He says, why do you act as though you are the only women in this world. 
  • I don't want to you to go out of home and i will never ask for that. I am only asking you to live independently.
She does not have the freedom of calling her parents. He tracks all her calls (of course, they have a family plan) and says why do you call and talk so long with your parents and sisters. Most days she thinks that there should be a "better tomorrow" and she should be able to "sleep better". She definitely cant say everything to her parents at the same time she can't keep it for herself. 

Some Suggestions : 
  • She should attempt to educate husband on the several physical and psychological changes that women undergo. 
  • It is definitely worth while to talk about "How she would like him to be". Without open communication, things seem to be have taken for granted. 
  • There will definitely be some embarrassing moments and hot discussions. But she should start talking about the inconvenience and humiliation she is undergoing with husband. Sometimes, husband is ignorant of few things. Though this is a rare possibility, we can't rule it out. 
  • She should increase her network of friends in US and India. While friends many not solve problems, they will definitely give you confidence. (Note : We definitely want friends who gives a better direction to us. And not the ones would suggest to break the relationship.)
We would like to hear your views and suggestions too.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Friend,
    - For me it looks like the guy is living in a dream world and trying to compare a US living style with Indian living style and forcing you to demorph your self. As suggested in the post, try to have a very open communication immediately (before it is not too late) and explain him the differences
    - What happens when a US lady calls someone for dinner i.e. who cooks / prepares / cleans the dishes ...
    - Make it very clear how you feel for all his comments and trauma you are undergoing with

    Otherwise, he may feel that, I am trying to help my wife to be more independent / adapt to US styl so on so forth.