Story 8 : Should u listen to or not listen to ur in-laws and husband?

Hi this issue was mailed to me by one on my friends, who really is confused and needs some good suggestion…here is her story.

After a lot of thinking and suffering I finally decided to let out my frustration to get some good suggestions. I am in my early thirties now with my daughter. We moved to US couple of years ago. My husband is a professor and is with one of the universities here. We are married for 7 years now but when I look back and see I only get to see all the humiliation and suffering of these 7 years. Back in India my in-laws, husband’s brothers and sister used to live as a joint family and I was very happy to be a part of this big family. I used to be a very fun loving and active girl and was looking forward to have a good life ahead, but all my dreams were waiting to get shattered. After our marriage as a new bride in the house I was very jovial and used to get along with every one pretty well, I guess this was not tolerated by my sister-in-law. She was just opposite to me, a very clam and quite girl. As other new brides I also had the urge to look good all the time and used to take little care about my self, this was not tolerated by my mother-in-law.

In the first two, three months they started hinting me that I spend too much time in getting ready and I talk a lot. I used to think may be they are right and tried to change my behavior. One day I over herd my mother-in-law talking to my husband about me and I was totally shocked. She was actually complaining to my husband that I spend too much time in front of the mirror dressing up my self and spend the whole day talking to people and visiting neighbors. She went on complaining that I do not help her in any of the household work. I did not ask my husband about it and was waiting for him to ask me and clarify the matter, but to my surprise he did not do so. The next day when he came from office, the moment he saw me he started asking me in front of every one “for whom do you get dressed up so much every day”. I felt so bad when he said that and I wanted to ask him for whom else will I, but then I did not and decided I will completely change my routine. That day changed the way I led my life totally in a different way. I stopped taking care of my self and moved towards being more reserved and calm. I guess my mother-in-law had a problem with that too. She used to tell all the relatives in front of me that I have no interest in my self and I don’t even talk properly if any one comes home. Then I told my self that all my in-laws just want to find faults wit what ever I do and don’t do.

This being one side of the story, my husband started to blindly believe in what ever his mom and sister used to tell him. He started telling me that I come up with some or the other kind of explanation and cover up the whole issue. I started feeling frustrated then my first daughter changed my life in a totally different way. I was happy for some time seeing the innocent smiles and looks. After the delivery I did put on some weight and my in-laws used to make fun of me saying “if you start growing in this manner then you will not fit in our house doors”, for many days I used consider as a joke but it started to hurt me when the only topic to discuss was my weight and how un-interested I am to get down in front of each and every relative. My in-laws always used to crib about what ever I used to do with the baby. They had a problem if I made her wear a new dress and if I did not. At one point of life I felt I will go mad if I am objected and corrected and found fault with each and every thing I do.

During all this my husband used to always take my in-laws side and I started feeling alone in this big house. To my shock one day my in-laws directly told me that I don’t have the charm left in me and I look like a lump of fat that is always depressed and sad. I did not understand what to do, how to manage with these people. My husband started getting offers from few universities in US and finally he decided to move to US. This decision of his made my in-laws think that it was me who wanted to separate the son from his family and their grudge towards me increased ten times more. They did not want to understand that the decision was made by their own son. On the day we were leaving my in-laws did not even want to bless me in the airport. I thought they will calm down in some time.

Finally after coming to US, I was thinking may be I will have better chance to communicate with my husband but life over here is too miserable for me right now. My husband started comparing me and my daughter with few of his colleagues and their kids. Now a days he talks only about how other moms and kids are dressed. Behaving, talking in English, playing and how our daughter and I are. I don’t understand what is to done, back home no one encouraged her to talk in English how can she pick up English all of sudden? When I try to explain this to him he says I am trying to raise her like me, with no interest in life. He asks me to make new friends and have some get together, but my problem me I should know a family good enough to call them over for lunch or dinner right? If I try to tell him the same he says I want excuses to avoid people and I am not social enough.

I have no one to share these things with so I though this might be a good platform to get some suggestions please help

Unfortunate fate of Trust, Faith and Belief...

In daily life most of us unconsciously follow through the Trust, Faith, Belief and ones own Feelings (instincts) in whatever we do. It is often very sad that the same person fails to TRUST his own people at home/family. We unconsciously trust, believe and have faith in the ones at Work Place, Religion, Politics, Social Causes, etc... Sometimes we trust people that we don't know simply based on the qualification or the experience attached to them. But still... we don't want to (or cant) trust our own family members. Very carefully read through the  following stories.

#1 You got a nice car. After it ran for 15,000 miles, you give it to a Car Service shop. It will take one day to get the car back and you get a bill of $350 with a huge inventory that the service guy replaced. You are so happy that you got your car serviced, you pay the bill and drive home thinking that the "Car is in Great Condition now". 

#2 You want to watch the movie Avatar (as an example). You are in two minds to go to it or not and your spouse is asking for it. Your colleague at office or friend tells you that its a great movie. You immediately "DECIDE" to go to the movie. You go home and tell your spouse that "My friend told me its a great movie. Lets go."

#3 You would take a very comfortable ride in the car that your friend is driving without any issue. You wont complain and you wont get tensed. If your wife is driving then all the negative thoughts fill your brain and you start chocking.

#4 You are driving in a single lane divided only by the yellow bar and you see the opposite traffic too. The only thing that's between your car (you) and other car (some stranger)  is the thick yellow lane. You drive so confidently on this road that nothing would happen. (Because you trust - 99% - that the other stranger would not come into your lane and crash on to you). 

#5 You would go to a electronic shop to buy a nice 42" LCD TV. You are unsure what to buy there and a sales guy with all his pep talk impresses you to take a decision on Sony Bravia ABC Model which costs $1500. You wife was suggesting another model in Samsung that costs $1100 and has more features than Sony has. But you want to buy because you were convinced by the sales guy (and not because you love Sony). 

#6 You go to a religious GURU and you would follow whatever he/she says. You would not even think for a moment if that "thing" makes sense. If GURU asks you to go to temple and do 51 rounds around the idol. You would do it with out a question. You would not ask why the number 51 and why this temple. You would JUST do it. 

By now, it would not have taken too much time to understand that many things life are done on "Blind Faith". The abouve are only few stories. One can arbitrarily come up with so many incidents that you trust other person and you feel happy to sit back and relax. You believe that the other person or entity would do a good job.

Of course there are some (small %) people would be so paranoid that they avoid to do anything in life as they cant trust anyone and it seems to be an impossible task for them. The only thing that these people do is what they are good at. They cant work in a team as they cant trust others. Team work is not only in the Corporate world but many people fail to understand that there need to be so much of TEAM work in the family system.

Unfortunately this TRUST, BELIEF and FAITH does not seem to exist in many of the Familys and among Married Partners. Each of the partner would always want to show the intellectual superiority over the others and they would do so by negating the other spouse's views and ideas. Doesn't it sound familiar ? One would blindly accept the other persons (stranger) views and ideas where as he would not believe spouse or family member. What a shame ?

Are you doing a good job of trusting your partner ? If not, it's time to think about it.

Being a good host is an Art!

Note : This post is cross posted from Sanity and Insanity blog on request.

Yes… you heard it right. Being a good host is an aArt. Some people are good at it and some really suck. Not that they don’t know how to be a good host, they just don’t have that Art in them and they don’t seem to understand it.

You go someone’s home as a guest and you feel great about those few hours you spend. You want to spend more time at their home and you feel “like home“. These hosts make you feel great about yourself and gives all the comfort that you need.  There is this other category of people who you want to “avoid“. Even if by chance you go, you feel choked and want to come out of their home as soon as possible. You are there more as a “viewer” and not as a “contributor” and “enjoyer”.  You would go to their home “late” and want to leave their home “early“.

Over the years I have the privilege of being a Guest and Host aswell. When I consciously observe more and more… following are some factors that influence the “perception” of being a good “HOST”.

Invitation/Planning : Of course, this seems to be very simple and straight forward thing to do. Everyone in life is busy (as you are). Allow people to plan their visit to your place and give them enough choices on dates. It is not difficult to do this, if you plan. Calling people on the day of the “Get-to-gather” is a BAD idea (unless they have some idea of the invitation).

Don’t send a simple e-mail and expect people to turn up. It is extremely impolite to invite people by emails (this perhaps is OK when you have a 100s of guests to call). When you are having a private-family gathering, it is nice to call each family and invite. If you are calling 4 families, you are not excused to say that you don’t have (4 * 5 minutes) 20 minutes of time.

Homogeneous Group : As a host you want to take a special precaution and consideration on the nature of people you are inviting. When you celebrate some parties which are typically 2-3 hours, people don’t care what kind of group they are mixing with. But when you call people home to spend an afternoon or evening, they are expecting to talk/discuss/ jokes, etc…

You may want to invite groups where they share much “common” interests and not having “contrast” interests. e.g. some people are “Culturally” inclined, some have strong “Political” views, some talk more about “Kids”, etc…  Considering different interests, you need to make a “sensible” judgment as to see who will blend and who will not.  Few think that “diversity” is good but not to a point where people go into “shells”.

Lively Hosts : You see a smiley face in the morning, you feel great about the day. You see a dull/boring face in the morning, you feel the same. Our moods, enthusiasm and psychology is influenced by the people around us and the company we are.

You can’t have a straight fave and invite people home and expect them to enjoy. Hosts should be lively and friendly to have a great atmosphere. People would not want to be guests at your home and become sad after seeing you. If that’s the case, they would have stayed back as well. Very clearly guests would want to go and meet these (lively) hosts all the time.

Openness : Oh boy, this is so important to understand and implement. Create an environment where everyone if the guests can contribute and share their thoughts. Don’t steal the discussions and jokes. Guests may not say anything at that time but they leave a bad taste on them. e.g. when a guest is talking about “Slum dog millionaire” movie, don’t ridicule by saying that “oh god, don’t even talk about that movie”. In short, don’t interrupt, don’t ridicule and don’t steal the show. Give equal importance to each and everyone.

Some people seem to know “everything” in this word (at least that’s what they think). Dont worry about these people, these are the “real-poor-moron-souls on this earth”.

Cleanliness : Is this even a topic to discuss ??? Who on this world does not know that the house needs to be clean when you invite guests. Sadly, some people dont get it. Really…!

When you invite, it is your responsibility to CLEAR and CLEAN the stuff around. Understand that “CLEAR and CLEAN” both are important. You don’t want your guests to make way into the home thorough all the things lying on th ground. “I don’t have time”, is not excuse. If you don’t have time, dont Invite guests.

Guests can’t tolerate the wet floor, blurry/stained glass in bathroom, stained water tumblers, stained tea/coffee cups and stained bowls and plates. Yes… it is important to CLEAN at least the things that you give to guests.

Food : (mostly in Indian context) Food is the most important part of any invitation of Guests. We love to cook variety of traditional and modern food at home and enjoy with guests. Please do take some precautions when you are cooking.
Don’t Experiment : Your Guests are not guinea pigs. Please do not ever experiment on the day of get-together. You really want the food to be tasty and eatable. If you experiment and you get it wrong, you will give a very bad impression about your self to that guest.
Make it fresh : This may not seem to be a point of discussion. But many high-tech people cook 1/2/3 days before they invite people. They think that, because i eat “the same junk”, my guests will also eat the same. If you can’t cook fresh, please do not invite. It’s not worth to have a bad memory about you.
Remember : You make nine(9) SUPERB dishes and make one(1) “SUCKY” dish; the chances are that people (like me) are going to remember that “SUCKY” dish for the life long. If you know something is wrong, you better don’t serve. It is better to have 5 average food items rather than 3-Superb and 2-Sucky items. You get that… ?

Send Off : You did everything well and screw up in the end is of no use. When your guests are leaving be considerate and thankful to them that they accepted your invitation and made it home. You need to be kind and thankful, even if they aren’t. When they are leaving, please don’t be watching TV and say “Bye” from your couch.

Clearly, one needs to be more conscious about what they do and they don't when they invite Guests. Inviting Guests and being Hosts is Responsibility and Fun too. Dont let your over enthusiasm or over boredom kill your guests. You may not lose your guests forever; but they will hate to come back again.

Be conscious and have a great fun!

A person is not what you "see" and "feel" - Part 1

In the recent days, many incidents have been reported where either wife kills Husband or Husband (or others) kills (or tortures) Wife and all the other combinations of relationships. In most of the incidents, neighbors and friends are surprised about the fact that "this" person could not have don't that. Or the person whom we know could not do this "bad" thing. In other times, some parents are heart broken to say that, "We never thought our son-in-law could torture our daughter. He seemed to be nice.". Readers can very well get the context in which one would be surprised to see what other person did to them or others.

The recent Tiger Woods story is flying around the media for a few months now. Tiger Woods is an American professional golfer whose achievements to date rank him among the most successful golfers of all time. Currently the World No. 1, he was the highest-paid professional athlete in 2008, having earned an estimated $110 million from winnings and endorsements. Woods has won 14 professional major golf championships, the second highest of any male player, and 71 PGA Tour events, third all time. With the recent setback on his career where he was exposed with a Sex scandal with his wife and (many more) mistress. Millions of people worldwide were devastated that their favorite "Tiger Woods" was exposed to the media. They are never to believe that Tiger Woods could do such "bad" things. All the earnest he earned with hard work of few years was lost in few days.

SPS Rathore and Ruchika case is also one of the most popular and saddening news in 2009. SPS Rathore is the Inspector General of police who was the top law enforcer of the state of Haryana. Ruchika was a budding tennis player. The 14-year-girl was so traumatized by the experience and intimidation from authorities to silence her that she committed suicide in 1993. Probably this is not the right forum to discuss, if the 6 month jail and Rs.1000/- fine is what one should get for this inexcusable mistake. However, people were shocked to see that a IPS officer and an ex-DGP could do such a "bad" thing to a little girl (same age as his grand-daughter may be).

Mohammad Azharuddin and Ajay Jadeja were two cricket icons who many many Indians and other cricket fans adored and respected. In the year 2000, when  all these cricketers were hit by the Match-fixing scandal, many where angry and surprised how these seasoned cricketers are able to do such stupid actions.

The Monica Lewinsky scandal was a political sex scandal emerging from a sexual relationship between United States President Bill Clinton and a 22-year-old White House intern, Monica Lewinsky. The news of this extra-marital affair and the resulting investigation eventually led to the impeachment of President Clinton in 1998 by the U.S. House of Representatives and his subsequent acquittal on all impeachment charges (of perjury and obstruction of justice) in a 21-day Senate trial. President of a lead nation falling pray to such practices made the entire US and world look at this guy with shame. He is one president who has great charm, had influenced many nations on nuclear treaties, strengthened relations with India and many more. A person of such magnitude was/is never expected to commit a mistake which would play with people's feelings.

Bollywood's hero Salman Khan is/was respected and adored by many Indians and people abroad. On 28 September 2002, Salman was arrested for rash and negligent driving. His car had run into a bakery in Mumbai; one person who was sleeping on the pavement outside the bakery died and three others were injured in the mishap. On 17 February 2006, Khan was sentenced to one year in prison for hunting an endangered species, the Chinkara. The sentence was stayed by a higher court during appeal. His turbulent relationship with actress Aishwarya Rai was a well publicized topic in the Indian media, and had constantly filled gossip columns. After their break-up in March 2002, Rai accused him of harassing her.

In the above examples, you could see that variety of people in various walks of life have committed what we generally perceive as "wrong" doings. This brings to discuss an interesting idea of "A person is much more than what we see and feel". There will be many instances in life where we are surprised by some "action" that our close friend or relative did. You would be shattered to know that a person that you KNEW was totally different to what they were in ACTUALITY.

That said, it is interesting to see some components of what makes a person what he is today. Following are some important components that we all believe that a person is made up of and perceived.

• Childhood
• Parents treatment
• Teachers treatment
• Neighbors treatment
• Relatives treatment
• Friends Influence
• Learning from Hobbies
• Adulthood
• College Environment
• Friend Influence
• Delta of Parent Influence
• Delta of Faculty Influence
• Learning from Hobbies
• Learning from Travel
• Experiences @ Work
• Learning from Boss
• Leanings from Co-worker

Also, it is very important to understand that a person plays multiple roles in his life time. And Responsibility for each role is UNIQUE.

A person is a combination of his upbringing stimulants. 

A person is a combination of experiences from his birth time till death. 

A person is a combination of positives traits

A person is a combination of negative traits

Very often, people don't understand this fact and mix up the facts and assume the following...

• He is a good Son. So, He will be good Husband.
• She is a good Daughter; So, She will be good Mother.
• She is a good Daughter; So, She will be good Wife.
• He is a great Person at Work; So, He will become good Husband.
• He talks very nicely with people; So, He will LOVE his wife.
• She is a nice person; So, She should be loving her Husband.
• He has done his Ph.D; He will take care of his Wife and Kids nicely.
• He is nice person to talk to; He may be loving his family a lot.
• He takes care of his Wife; He he must be taking care of his Parents too.
• She talks nicely with her In-laws. She much be taking good care of them. 
• and many more you could think of...

Clearly, such statements tend to prove wrong (in most cases) and we are either surprised or disappointed when something goes wrong. It is necessary to know and understand a person in various aspects of like rather than based on what we perceive. A simple analysis of a person is rather depicted by the Johari window that talks about the multiple aspects of a person. Of course, this is in no way a complete analysis of a person. However, this gives us a frame of reference to KNOWN and UNKNOWN aspects of a person.

A Johari window is a cognitive psychological tool created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955 in the United States, used to help people better understand their interpersonal communication and relationships. It is used primarily in self-help groups and corporate settings as a heuristic exercise.

There are definitely several other analysis tools. But Johari window is a simple tool to understand and analyze a person. This took helps us in two different ways. This tool is helpful when the person and his family/friends contribute what they about the person.

Room 1 : This is the part that most of us see in one person. This room contains all the traits of a person that he knows and others also know. e.g. A person is full of energy and jovial all the time. These traits are known to him and others too.

This room makes it possible that a person is known to other people and is open to suggestions on his personality improvement. The idea is when a person knows he is "impatient", he is more open to accept when other suggest him to be "patient". When you know, it is easy to accept.

Room 2 : The aspect of some personal traits known to others and not to you, prevails in this room. It some times leads to pain, as others may know that you are not trust-worthy and sway away from you and you have no clue why you cant make friends. No one even tells you and you don't know about it.

Room 3 : This is the dangerous space of all the rooms as these traits are not known to you or others. This might lead to a scenario, where an action of yours may cause pain to you and also others. Because, you are worrying about that fact that "I am not that kind of person" and others are worrying that "He is not that kind of person".

No one knows about these traits and as the number of these traits in this room increases, there would be more and more embarrassing and shocking instances for you and everyone.

Room 4 : This is a private scenario where one is aware of a particular personal trait and they don't reveal it to others. One can be "violent", "vulgar" or "unethical" and not let others know about this. They always try to cover these traits with some other personal traits.
If the number of items in this room increases, then a person becomes more and more secretive and its very difficult to gauge a person depending on what you know. Because, you don't know the root of his action could be his innate trait that you are not aware of.

A gentle urge is to consciously understand a person and not judge based on what you see and hear about that person. For all that you know, he is very good socially but he is a highly unethical or vulgar personality. There are many many aspects of a person to be closely seen.
In the next part of the article, we will see about the "Role based personality and how it effects you".

Happy Valentine Day - 2010

We wish everyone a great Valentine Day. We hope that every one has a valentine they adore and respect. In the spirit of Valentine, love yourself and love your people; that includes spouse, kids, parents, sisters, brothers, relatives and friends.

A well known history of Valentine from History.

On February 14 around the year 278 A.D., Valentine, a holy priest in Rome in the days of Emperor Claudius II, was executed.

Under the rule of Claudius the Cruel, Rome was involved in many unpopular and bloody campaigns. The emperor had to maintain a strong army, but was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. Claudius believed that Roman men were unwilling to join the army because of their strong attachment to their wives and families.

To get rid of the problem, Claudius banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret.

When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Valentine was arrested and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. The sentence was carried out on February 14, on or about the year 270.

Legend also has it that while in jail, St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it "From Your Valentine."

For his great service, Valentine was named a saint after his death.

In truth, the exact origins and identity of St. Valentine are unclear. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, "At least three different Saint Valentines, all of them martyrs, are mentioned in the early martyrologies under the date of 14 February." One was a priest in Rome, the second one was a bishop of Interamna (now Terni, Italy) and the third St. Valentine was a martyr in the Roman province of Africa.

Legends vary on how the martyr's name became connected with romance. The date of his death may have become mingled with the Feast of Lupercalia, a pagan festival of love. On these occasions, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed. In 496 AD, Pope Gelasius decided to put an end to the Feast of Lupercalia, and he declared that February 14 be celebrated as St Valentine's Day.

Gradually, February 14 became a date for exchanging love messages, poems and simple gifts such as flowers.

Story 7 : If only they had the power to define ones Luck/Fate/Talent

They are very established lawyers in India. They have a great practice and very well known in that city. Wife and Husband are family and criminal lawyer respectively. Husband has a younger brother and Wife has a younger sister. Incidentally, Wife's sister and Husband's brother both are (budding) Lawyers. Husband's-Brother and Wife's Sister live in the same city, both are married and are struggling for a helping hand in career.

Husband and Wife are very understanding, friendly and considerate. Wife for sure is more communicative than Husband and by nature she takes care of many things at home. Husband has agreed and decided to give a helping hand in his brother's career and asked them to stay along in the same house (of course, in a different independent floor). He was giving his expert opinion, attending some case discussions, and spent some personal time to spend for his brother. His brother did start as an independent law-practitioner and stayed that way for few years. There was no growth though they are still surviving. In the mean while, at home the differences between the Wife and co-sister have increased and small issues seemed to be big.

So, at some point of time, the Husband's brother decided to setup a separate family and practice. This means he will be moving to a separate place and start his own law practice. Some how, he could not be as successful as his brother till now. For all the other people (3rd person), it seemed as though the Wife ans Husband did not help this Husband's-Brother and let him lead his life along with disparity and discrimination.

On the other side, Wife's-Sister setup her own Law-Consulting firm and made the Wife and Husband as consulting partners. This Wife's-Sister has more social skills than the Husband's-Brother and she was able to kick start her career with the help of Wife and Husband. In few years, Wife's-Sister is probably as successful as the Wife and Husband. Currently, as i write, the Wife and Husband go regularly for some of the complicated family cases and advise clients in the Wife's-Sister's firm. The brother is still practicing his own, occasionally with the help of Husband (brother).

Sure, this is complicated. For the Husband's father this all looked as though the Wife did not took care of the Husband's brother and she has more interest in her own sister. In-laws started claiming that she (Wife) took more time, liberty, passion in building her sisters career and did not help in the same way to Husband's-Brother.

Now the question is, "What should one do when Wife's-Sistser is more sociable, communicative and does rights things for her career than Husband's-Brother. Whose mistake is that ?".

Story 6 : Why does my marriage life gets afftected, if i dont get a Job ?

Another Story goes here...

I am in my late twenties and have been married for almost 5 yrs now. My married life has been great with no big issues till now, but on the other side my professional life is really down. I was working as a junior software engineer before marriage, but had to leave my job after marriage as we were moving to US. After coming to US, I was trying to get the working Visa but had no luck for 4yrs, somehow I was able to get thru all the H1 process and now I have a valid Visa but the Job market is really bad out there for my skills.

We did have to shed few hundreds of dollars for my H1 visa for all the lawyers fees and processing, but finally got the Visa. We also have been postponing having a baby as we feel we have to be settled in life first to have a baby. Now all the problems are starting from all the sides in my family and I am really getting frustrated. The main concern being my In-Laws, all this while I was thinking they love me and think me a part of their family but I realized I was wrong. From last couple of months I have been noticing my in-laws always talking about the amount of money we spent for my visa and training, and asking my husband directly “what is she doing now?  Is she preparing for the interviews? Is she making use of all the effort u that went in getting the visa processing and training or is it all for no good use?”  I know and understand they must be concern but then I feel there should be limit to the number of times they ask. Every time we talk to them the first thing they ask is about the money spent. I am more frustrated to answer their question about our baby. They started telling my husband that I may have some gynecological problem that I am not conceiving. My husband on the other side is a mamma’s boy and started asking me the same which actually made me cry. My mother-in-law started to compare me to my sister-in-laws (who are not working but have children), saying when they are able to manage why cant I and why do I keep spending money without any income.

I am not able to understand what I am supposed to do. How do I explain to my husband that we are quite not ready for the baby and I am trying my level best to get into a job? My husband stopped talking to me as before. Now a days the moment he comes from office the first thing he asks me is if I had any calls and what did I read, then he goes to gym, talks to his parents and is back to work again. He hardly spends time at dinner table and goes to sleep. I feel so helpless and lost here. I am not able to talk to my parents openly as they are far off and will definitely get worried, nor am I able to talk to my in-laws as they are not ready to listen to my plight.

Story 5 : What if we are not super rich ? Should we be always compared.

Another Story goes here... 

I am here to share with you all my problems and get some strength. I am married for 4 yrs now and a mother for a beautiful daughter. My husband is the only son and his mother passed away long before we got married. My father-in-law stays with us. My husband is not too successful professionally till now due to which he is looked down by his own father. My husbands’ earnings are pretty low and we are maintaining a middle class profile. Coming to my self, I was a regular student at college and never grew up to do a job, for which I guess I am actually paying off now.

After our marriage my Father-in-Law was kind of monitoring the way we spend the money and was giving us too many suggestions as to how to save. One thing I always used to wonder was the comparison done between my husband the rest of his cousins who are in pretty good condition. Initially I used to think as he is the elder one of the family we should respect his advice and never was against him. In fact we also had to cancel our honey moon due to him, but I was completely ok with it. As days passed by he started indirectly asking me to go for a job and earn money, he started giving me hints as to I should not increase the power bill by watching the TV and using the washing machine to wash clothes and many more things like this. I tolerated enough and one day I told him that as I come from a village background it will take some time for me to get adjusted to this new place and I would definitely like to do a job and help the family. But my Father-in-law took me in the wrong meaning and started complaining to my husband about me. He also used to go to all my relatives’ places and tell that I don’t respect him and don’t listen to him in the house.  This obviously had an effect on my relationship with husband.

Slowly thing started to change when I joined in a small ad agency as a receptionist but not for a long time. Now the new issues started. Some times when there was work in the office I used to come late by an hour or so and immediately my father-in-law would ask me if I had good time with my friends in office chit chatting. I used to feel so frustrated and humiliated by his words. He asks me such questions in front of every one and when we are in some functions. And If I start explaining to him why I was late (just as an example) he would say I am back answering him and don’t even consider his age. My husband on the side supports his father saying he is advising us for our own good. After I started earning my father-in-law keeps a check on what all I buy and how much right from groceries to dresses for my daughter. If I buy a new dress for my daughter because I liked it he would immediately say why did I get it when there is no occasion at all. If I plan for a movie or outing he would say we first need to have a proper bank balance for all enjoyment in life.

I do understand that we are not a very well to do family but does that mean we cannot have small pleasures also in life? I am really getting frustrated and irritated and humiliated in front of all my relatives with my father-in-law’s behavior.

Story 4 : In-law does not understand the situation and so is Husband

Following question was asked by a dear friend...

I am a stay at home mom and have two kids with a gap of 2 yrs. I had C-Sections both the times. I did not gain much weight after my first delivery and was pretty active, healthy and was in perfect shape too. But things changed completely when my baby was 9 months. We realized that I was pregnant again and was both happy and confused about it. After a lot of thinking and analyzing we decided to go ahead with the baby. But it was not as I though it would be. I was surprised to see the reaction from all my in-laws, they were more like cant you guys wait for some time before the second baby. I thought things would change in the due course of time but I waited to see the worst. During the later part of my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with GD and was suggested some rest due to my Blood Pressure. It was becoming really difficult for me to take care of my daughter and my self and do all the cooking.

I was totally frustrated by the attitude of my in-laws towards me. They would always call up my husband and tell them stories of some xyz person in India who managed well with a similar situation like me, but they never were ready to understand my medical condition and the fact that I don’t have any one else to help me here. Listening to their words my husband’s attitude towards me was changing gradually. He started complaining and shouting at me that I should be more active and was putting on more weight than needed. This was too much for me to take in with the entire mood I was during the pregnancy. To add to all this my parents could not get a visa to help me here and we had to ask my in-laws to come over to help me. I was both happy and scared by this. I was happy to know that once they see my condition here they will understand what I am going through in a much better way and scared obviously as they are “IN-LAWS”.  As I expected life became all the more difficult with my in-laws being here. I was suggested bed rest by my gynecologist and my in-laws would think I was simply making up to sleep all day. They wanted to visit all the near by places before my delivery and would say once they baby was there they will not get any time to go out again. I used to get so irritated and frustrated by this attitude of theirs. I used to do all the cooking for them and still would get to here some or the other complaint from them, and that too directly to my husband soon after he is back from office.

By gods grace I had my baby boy as decided and it was again a c-section needless to say my second c-section with a short gap. And after my second delivery I did put on weight and was drained totally out of energy. In the mean time my sister-in-law was planning to visit us soon. My mother-in-law expects me to take good care of my sister-in-law and her two kids and I know she does not care if I get a sleep of only 2 hrs in a full day. If at all I used to lie down for some time when the baby slept then she would be all ready to fill my husbands ears that I was sleeping the whole day and she was tired of doing all the house work.

Now all my husbands’ side family are here and “THEY” are having a good time. No one is bothered to ask me how my health was doing, any ways I was not expecting them too ask either. My main problem now is I am not able to bear the comments from my sisters-in-law and in-laws. They may be suggesting me for my good health but for me it’s very embarrassing and frustrating. My in-laws kind of have a check on what ever I eat, drink and do. Even my husband started doing that in front of everybody. No one is ready to understand my mental status and physical strength. I am kind of getting exhausted by the end of the day with cooking and looking after my daughter and the baby. To add to all this my doctor suggested me to wait for four to six months before I start heavy exercises due to the two c-sections. I feel so helpless and frustrated that I want to leave every one and run away. I wanted to share my story with some one so that I can make my self little strong.

Some notes on the issue :

• As said in the previous posts (HR1 and HR2), it is indeed a very very sad part that many don't learn from their past experiences. Every person goes through similar (if not the same) phases in life and they all forget the golden rule "Do not do to others what you would not like to be done to you".
• It is very difficult to say what happens with many (as everyone has an Unique situation), but it always helps to have an "OPEN" communication with In-laws and Spouse. Sometimes, unconsciously and unknowingly, we skip some conversations, which will lead to misunderstandings.
• As it is always the case that the older generation tend to have a basic or straight communication. This means their way of speaking seems to be bit rough and on the face. But, in many cases they don't really mean it. It's just the way of they talk.  Again, many women are able to take it positively when her own Mother says something but if the same sentence is uttered by Mother-in-law, they get angry on them. 
• Mother-in-law != Mother (for Husband and/or Wife); However, please be considerate.
• Some sister-in-laws may want to impose same (similar) restrictions that they had. This is rather very unfortunate and the only way out is to educate and forgive these "poor souls". Another reason for the weird behavior is the "power game" (they may not have enough love or power at their own home. So, they want to show the power where they can). 
• This situation is similar to the ragging in colleges. A junior knows what it takes to undergo the ragging. He knows how much he cried on the night when the seniors slapped him all the while. But, the inexplicable human brain repeats the same mistake. When he becomes senior, he would want to take the same sadistic pleasure that his seniors had from him. Of course, there are some nice seniors who would understand what they went through and STOP being sadistic.
• The main person who should understand the situation is "Husband/Head of the Family". In the above situation, many (wifes) would not care if there is some sort of support from Husband. But if he does not understand then there is a real problem. It's the time to educate him. e.g. explaining him that, "India has a huge family support system", "in USA we need to do everything without help", "no maid servents in USA", etc.. Yes, even though all these are very basic and need to be understood, sometimes you need to explain a lot in detail for some people.
• There is only one Mantra ... "Communicate", "Communicate", "Communicate".

Story 3 : History repeats - Be fair with parents - Part II

This post is continuation of the Part - 1. In the last post, you have seen how the poor Mother did service to both the Sons and Daughter-in-laws.

As we see in everyone's life, things turn around. You cant be energetic and healthy for long and all the time (Lucky if someone is). This mother at her 62nd year had slipped in the Bath room of Son2's house. She literally broke her leg and was hospitalized for 6 days. With a great difficulty, she has the signs of recovery and for some "UNKNOWN" reason this Mother was "SENT" to Son1's house after a week. The Daughter-in-law1 took care of her for a month and then they started moving her between the families every other month.

Till then, she could talk express her opinion and after 6 months she started walking again. All the while she was of course being kicked between the Sons families. The LOVE which Daughter-in-laws had on this Mother was gone. Now this poor Mother became a BURDEN to the families rather then LOVABLE Mother.

After few months Both Sons got together and cma to a decision that the Mother will be with each of them for 3 months in the rotation basis. Poor Mother again was happy that they decided to keep her (rather then sending her to old age home).

After an Year, this Mother developed weakness, (uncontrollable) diabetes and other symptoms. At the same time, REAL Unfortunately, this Mother had "Paralysis attack" and her Right Hand and Left Leg got effected. How can God (if you believe in him)  give her such sequence of bad events in her life. This time she had to take bed rest and can't move. Again after 4 months, she had another attach and her speech got effected. Currently (Feb 2010), she is around 70 years, on bed rest, can't talk, cant move and waiting for her death. Sometimes she cant recognize, can't cry when she sees her sisters and near people.

Following is the way Daughter-in-laws treated this poor Women and let her ready to Die.

• Both Daughter-in-laws felt it was a Burden on them to maintain her. They both started blaming each other for her condition. 
• Son1 and Daughter-in-Law1 would lock her in house (even in her current stage) and would go to Cinema, Pilgrimage, Friends place and Picnics. 
• Daughter-in-law2 is little better. However, she has competition with Daughter-in-law1 and does not want to serve her even an EXTRA day. They would calculate the exact 90 days of stay for the Mother. 
• For any reason of Bandh, Rain or Office work, if it was not possible to leave her at other Sons place, then they would calculate accodringly and adjust in next months. 
• Diabetic means that person needs proper amounts of food at regular time intervals. Both Daughter-in-laws had never cooked anything separate for her as it is a waste of time. They would prefer to watch a nice TV serial or a movie in that time. So, this poor Mother would get 2 slices of bread (this Mother sure needs some traditional Breakfast), lunch and Dinner. No one wants to know if wants to eat in-between and if she hungry at all.
• Other people come and go, but they never bother to introduce this poor Mother (in-law). She is given her "dungeon" and she is left her own.
• Daughter-in-law1 would not do any service to her but keeps a servant/nurse to take care of her. She never allows kids to go into that room as she calls that room as "Dirty and Sick". 
• The Daughter-in-laws would do hours and hours of prayers to GOD but would never serve their Mother(in-law) who is in NEED. What good is that Prayer for ? What good is that sort of God who asks them to pray and not serve their own people ? Even if God exists, he will definitely not appreciate this.
• When some of this Mother's sisters and relatives suggested them that "She many like the Old age home as she will have company and medicines will be given in time", Sons and Daughters retaliated and became angry on people who suggested. They said, we are taking care of this Mother nicely and there is no need to take her anywhere. The same people who suggested the Old age home also said that they would pay for the monthly expenses, but still no LUCK for this Mother.

And this list will go on to write all the things she underwent. Is it not so sad to read this. Don't you get angry on such Daughter-in-laws and SONs especially. Is it not sad that people talk about Values and they themselves don't care about their own parents. Is it not sad that we all inherit and ancient "Sanatana Dharma" and still act in an inhumanly.

Whats wrong : Unfortunately, these people can not be suggested anything. All the efforts of requesting, pleading and explaining the situation have gone in vein with these people. So, we would only want to see What's wrong and Request other Sons and Daughter-in-laws.

• You may all be thinking by now (or earlier) what the #%$^ are the Sons doing all while ? Yes, that's a decent question. But, these Sons have given up. When the Sons are asked about it, all the time they said only one thing, "We really really love our Mother; It's just that we are not in a positions to influence our wives to do something. We are not the ones who would take care of them from Morning to Evening when we are away to Work. If they don't have love and affection, we cant help it. We dont want to fight with them for life time".
• Well, there is only one problem here. The problem is Sons (80%)  and Daughter-in-laws (20%) and NOTHING ELSE. For any Son, soon after the marriage it becomes all the necessary to treat fairly - the parents from Both sides - Parents and In-laws. Some Sons seem to sway towards the In-laws so that they can impress the wife (No idea why this happens; But this happens).
• Sons don't give importance to their own Family Members. They think that they are too busy to communicate in their work. But in the mean while, Wife is developing a "feeling" that my Husband does not care about his own Parents. And now, such wives deduce that, "If my husband does not care his parents, then why should i care ?" and "If my husband does not respect his own family traditions and values, then why should i ?".
• Remember that by nature Women are better communicators than Men. So, even if you don't communicate on par with Women, Men should at least show (and have) respect towards his family. Wife MUST know in the initial years of marriage that you respect your family a lot. Of course, inversely, the same theory applies to Wife too.
• For some reason, if Wife is not interested in working with In-Laws, Son should continue to show LOVE and AFFECTION towards the parents. He should continue to Serve in whatever little time he has at home. He should encourage his kids to talk to Grand parents and play with them. Wife may not be willing or understand it initially,  But eventually she WILL. 
• When Son/Daughter-In-Law is living with In-laws, it is natural act that even In-laws will try to do some small work and help Son/Daughter-in-law in day-to-day work. Don't make it as a habit to push more work on them (As a Son, it's not difficult to identify it). Of course, we also see In-laws who are highly non-cooperative and become burden to everyone (But we are not talking about them in this case). 

Request for any Son and Daughter-in-Law :

• Women can MAKE a Family and BREAK a Family. Please treat your Parents and In-laws fairly. 
• As the Head of the family, sometimes Men need to take tough decisions. But as long as it is good for the family and will keep you all together, stand by it.
• For a Daughter-in-law when she is not in good terms with In-laws, please be nice with then AT LEAST when they are in bed. Most of families are affluent now and can affort a nurse or maid servent. You can definitely show some LOVE and give them MORAL SUPPORT.
• Please remember what would happen to you in YOUR OLD AGE. Time is not Stand still . You will soon reach their age before you even realize. 
• If you talk about VALUES, CULTURE and TRADITION to your kids; Then, please be an example for YOURSELF. They dont learn from thin air, they learn from YOU.

We are hoping and praying that any parent SHOULD not be in such situation.

Story 3 : History repeats - Be fair with parents - Part I

We all grow in age with time; whether one likes it or not this is the fact and does not change for anyone. One would definitely see the stages of Newborn, Infant, Toddler, Pre-school(er), Grader, Teen, Adult, Middle Aged, Old and Super Old in their own life. Even though it is pretty evident that every adult/middle aged turns to Old age sometime later, many seems not to understand the "Fair Treatment for Parents".

Following is one such story where parent (mother) gets shuttled between her two sons. You will see that at times it is good to have Humanitarian grounds rather than on Relationship.

This family has two sons both married and living in separate cities. Both are very well educated and they earn nice money each month. One is a Business man and other is a salaried employee. Their father expired when they were kids and her mother did all the toil to raise these kids and give them proper education. She raised them from village boys to a respectable person in their city locality.

She was the loving mother for BOTH of the sons till the marriage. After the marriage this Mother still lived in village thinking that she does not want to be a burden on the sons and daughter-in-laws. As everyone would expect, both daughter-in-laws called her their homes whenever they are in need. During their pregnancy time or when they are not well and so on. This poor Mother did everything that she could right from 55 years till 62 years without uttering a word and VERY HAPPILY.

For this Mother the bad times in her life started. As she is getting older, she had an idea that she should write a will. She has some land and a VERY HUGE house in her village. She started developing Diabetic at the age of 60 years, her eye sight is diminishing, undoubtedly her stamina is touching rock bottom. For any person with common sense, these are very obvious signs of old age and its the time to give some rest to this Mother and do everything the sons and daughter-in-laws could do.

In this part of it, see how this Mother worked for the Sons and Daughter-in-laws. In the next part, we will see how she was treated after her illness and they are letting her die. In the second part,  we will also discuss what's wrong with the situation.

Son1 and Daughter-in-law1

Some Back Ground : This Son1 got married to a very decent family in the society and in terms of money and status they are well below this family. She is well educated and knows how to read and write. They have Son and Daughter.

• Whenever the Daughter-in-law1 wanted to go to her mother's home she used to call her. This poor Mother was happy that she can spend time with the grand kids and Son1.
• This poor Mother was called whenever the Daughter-in-law1's relatives came to the city for pleasure. Daughter-in-law1 wanted the Mother(-in-law) to be at home so that she can be with her relatives.
• This poor Mother used to clean the house, do the washing of kids cloaths, do the washing of vessels, give the kids bath, make the kids ready to school, cook for everyone .... she did all these thinking that "There is nothing wrong in doing OUR OWN work".
• During the May/June time when the crop is ready in her fields, she used to sell them and buy gold for BOTH the daughter-in-laws and get lots and lots of gifts for kids.

Son2 and Daughter-in-law2

Some Back Ground : This Son2 got married to a highly educated girl. They have Daughter and Son.

• The (Grand) Daughter is born with 4 fingers on her right hand. Especially as its a baby girl, this Mother was all worried and she used to do a complete month's fasting for 4 years continuously without looking at her health.
• This Mother used to take care of the (Grand) Daughter 24/7 and everything that one can imagine. Even when she was with Son1, she used to DAILY call the Grand Daughter and talk to her. She had that immaculate affection on this Grand Daughter as she has this problem.
• During the second pregnancy of the Daughter-in-law2, this Mother is with them completely and did all the service in spite of developing a serious diabetic condition.
• This poor Mother used to clean the house, do the washing of kids cloths, do the washing of vessels, give the kids bath, make the kids ready to school, cook for everyone .... she did all these thinking that "There is nothing wrong in doing OUR OWN work".
• During the May/June time when the crop is ready in her fields, she used to sell them and buy gold for BOTH the daughter-in-laws and get lots and lots of gifts for kids.

She did all the above in spite she is in her 60s and NEVER EVER COMPLAINED. This poor Mother was so naive that several years ago, she considered the non-stick cookware's black coating as some sticky substance and she tried to peel it off with spoon while she was washing vessels. One of the Daughter-in-law shouted at her and did not talk to this poor mother for 2 days till SON intervened.

In the next part you will see how this poor Mother was treated when she became ill and could not move.

Story 2 : Husband and In-laws treat unfairly.

This couple is married for last 12 years and have 2 kids. Both kids are going to schools and they do very good in academics. Husband his own Academic Business and is doing great! Husband (and of course wife) lives with the parents and till now they were taken as examples for "Good Combined Familes". Wife takes care of the in-laws very nicely.

Father-in-law after retirement goes to the same college as a professor and is a very famous professor. Mother-in-law has some slight memory problem and she need to be partially watched by the daughter-in-law/wife. The wife wakes up in the morning 5.00am, does all the house hold work, makes breakfast for the father-in-law and husband so that they leave home by 7.30am. 

Recently maternal uncle of the Husband visited them for 2 days. This is the first time that these husband's side "uncle and aunt" where with them and all the previous instances that they met were in functions. During one evening, the Wife calls both the Aunt and Uncle to their backyard when no one is there and cries for her life time. This Aunt and Uncle were shocked and asked what the problem was.She then reveals the problems she was facing right from the day she was married. 

• Husband tortures her verbally - a lot.
• Husband does not treat her as a wife at all. 
• Husband goes on trips and does never speak to her over the phone. But he definitely calls his parents and talk to them.
• Whatever his parents say, thats the final work for him. Not that it is bad, but sometime people would like to have some independency. 
• For rest of the relatives and friends Husband is a great guy. But he feels that she is not the right match for him. It was definitely an arranged marriage for them and at that time, he liked her too.
• He asks few questions which no women would like to hear. like...
• Did you have affair before marriage ?
• Did you have %$^(* before marriage ?
• Do you think you are beautiful ?
• The in-law treats her like a mere maid servant. 
• There was no time that they all eat together. She always HAS to eat after everyone is done eating. 
• Wife has no freedom to even ask that we will go to a move or some picnic.
• The father-in-law scolds her all small and big things and thinks she (daughter-in-law) is a small school girl.
• In-laws behave nice with the kids but not with her. Whatever she does is wrong.
• ...and others...

After listening to many more things that the Wife explained to Aunt and Uncle, they both were shocked. They never felt that the father-in-law and Husband could be so rude daughter-in-law/wife.The Aunt explains the daughter-in-laws cry as "It made me feel dead". 

The next thing they did was to wait till the next morning and called the Husband privately. The Aunt and Uncle took the lead to explain him the situation and inquired him what his intentions were. For all that we know, he just laughs for everything and there was no real reaction. However, the Aunt and Uncle tell him that this kind of treatment is not appreciated and it will be bad for their family to treat her in that way. They tried to explain what she is undergoing with the in-laws treatment too and requested him to treat her fairly.

For now, we all hope that things are going fine and perhaps a little better for now. But there are couple of points that we need to see.

• Just because people are smiling and jovial does not mean they they are Happy. There could be a lot of devastation that we dont see in their eyes. 
• People are playing different roles (Father, Father-in-law, Husband, Uncle, teacher, etc...). Just because we know one person who is very good as a "Father" does not warrant that he is a good "Father-in-law" too. Of course inversely, if one is a good "Daughter" she may not become a good "Daughter-in-law".Before you judge, you need to consider different roles people are in.
• There is so much of pain, frustration and devastation in this women that as soon as she sees SOME relative of Husband, she breaks up. And that too, imagine explaining all your problems to someone you are meeting for 3rd or 4th time and crying for hours and hours in front of them. Can someone imagine the sleepless nights and mental agitation she underwent.
• The role of parents is not only to Guide their kids (Husband) but also in letting them live independently. After sometime,  parents should be in the passenger seat, and let the Husband/Wife (Son/Daughter-in-law) drive. Otherwise, elders should drive their own car. 

Suggestions : 

• Again, the most important thing is that she is missing lot of social network (not the Internet thingy). In this situation, it is very easy to get lost in the problem and not care about the importance of the friends and neighbors. They cant solve your problems, but they will help you walk through it. 
• Depending on the situation, it is necessary to talk to ones own parents. After all, parents are the biggest support system in these situations. It is true that the parents will definitely feel bad about such marriage. On the other hand, keeping problems to ones self, will explode sometime or the other and we don't want a bigger loss that time. 
• When people don't understand the value of fair treatment, there is no harm in talking to all related persons about the way you feel. You are not asking for someone to change, but are letting out your frustrations. Remember, you are not trying to come out of the relationship.You want to strengthen relationship by being open. Living together with differences is always difficult than separating for a simple issue.

We would like to hear your suggestions too.